The Lord Will Provide

I am a Do-er with a capital “D.”

However, I have a sick baby who only wants to be held. He has made it very clear in his non-verbal baby ways that he does not want me to do much of anything but hold him. I have been fighting just being. Because it’s the weekend and that’s when I do things, including have fun. But  you can’t do much while holding a sleeping baby. To make matters worse this particular baby tends to cry or scream even harder in pain if he is moved ever so slightly. And even when I’m forced to sit still or rock him back and forth, I just think of all the things I should be doing. So I have not mastered being a be-er yet.

Nathan’s swallow study was last Thursday and since then he has had episodes of crying and screaming that have been getting worse and worse. Originally we thought that he was having trouble digesting the barium used in the study. It is a metallic substance after all. However, constipation does not tend you cause pain so excruciating that you pull on your neck and ears so hard that your nails dig into your skin leaving visible marks. The pain got so bad by Sunday morning that we finally called “Uncle” and my husband took him down to the ER.

my husband sat in the ER researching a possible diagnosis on his phone. He is far more humble than to say this but I do think he helped get to the underlying issues rather quickly. Far more quickly than if my non-medical mind would have escorted him down there. He suspected intusseception, which is where your intestines telescope in on themselves. Mainly because Nathan would have waves of pain like cramping and also extremely lethargic. The ER doctor ordered X-rays and an ultrasound, which revealed Mesenteric Adenitis. This is a virus in the lymph nodes in his abdomen. Mesenteric Adenitis can lead to intusseception so we are high alert to see if the pain gets worse (I don’t know how it could get worse honestly). Also, to see if he develops fever and vomiting. Now we wait. Apparently it can take a couple of weeks for the pain to subside. If you’ve ever had a swollen lymph node you know that it can take weeks for it to go back down.

I am grateful that we have a diagnosis, even if it takes awhile. It seemed to let some of the steam out of the pressure cooker that was our house this weekend. Everyone was so stressed by the crying, the screaming, the being cooped up, and not being able to do much of anything fun as a family. my husband and I, especially were at each other.

Today we have taken a more team approach of baby holding. I am starting to relax and settle more into being a be-er since the diagnosis this morning. Nathan is not intentionally sabotaging me; he is in legitimate pain. I’ve had some sweet cuddle moments with him in our big comfy chair and I didn’t even look at my phone. I have decided that Christmas is going to end up however Christmas ends up because my list is so not even close to being checked off. (Thank goodness for online shopping.) I am not going to worry about the mess that is still my guest room, (Remember this picture from when the floors were redone?) because we’ll just have to move it all to the garage if it isn’t cleaned up by the time my parents come for Christmas. And honestly, I’m a little relieved that I can cancel some therapy appointments early this week. Because therapy does not really help me get into the Christmas spirit anyway.

I’m reading Ann Voskamp’s advent devotional called The Greatest Gift this season. This is what I ready today:

“The act of God’s seeing means God acts. God’s observation means He always serves. This is the thing: your God’s constant vision is your constant provision.

You don’t need to climb mountains named I Will Perform.

You don’t need to climb mountains named I Will Produce.

Every mountain that ever Christian ever faces, the Lord levels with sufficient grace: The Lord Will Provide.”

This has caused me to look intently for all the ways God has provided today. Instead of me trying to do all sorts of things I realize I have become the recipient of: patience, focus, gratefulness, discernment, time, prayers, help, a break, a diagnosis, and ultimately His presence.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll become a better be-er after this very intense practice round.

Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide.” -Genesis 22:14

UPDATE: my husband and Nathan are back in the ER as I post this. So I am again practicing the allowing God to provide.

My book, Beauty in Broken Dreams: A Hopeful Handbook for the Early Years as a Special Needs Parent, is now available on Amazon!

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