I knew this would happen. I knew I’d get this little blog moved over to a fun, fresh new space and then have absolutely nothing to say for a couple of weeks. I knew it. I’m a little paralyzed by the newness of it all and, go figure, wanting it to be perfect. So…I’m just going to ramble a little bit about my [imperfect] life around here lately.
I’ve managed to pull us all on board a fast train barreling through a tunnel with no light ahead. I am running fast and hard with absolutely no margin in my life. When friends ask to get together I try to find creative ways to squeeze them in between karate and therapy and phone calls with insurance and grocery runs and just plain surviving. Everyone is starting to feel the after-affects. Even me and I tend to have a high capacity for a full schedule. When I dragged two big cooler bags full of food from Costco into Mac’s karate class because we didn’t have time to drop them at home, I knew I had a real problem.
I’ve become entangled by the things of this world. Focused on therapy, mealtimes, errands, therapy, preschool prep, karate, planning something fun over the weekend, therapy. Did I say therapy? Not that those things are bad in and of themselves. Gosh, they are even necessary to my beloved family members. It’s just that I’m losing sight of what is going on deep within me and I’m losing sight of the One who wants to uphold me through it all. It’s call self-sufficiency folks. If you could get a Master’s Degree in it, I would have at least three. The worst part lately is that I’m doing it all at lightening speed as if it’s a race. Has Nathan taught me nothing in the last 15 months? I’m pretty sure his God given gifts are to slow me down, give me humility, and continually readjust my expectations of what I can do.
Instead of thinking I am the one in charge of my life, I need to get back to the basics of what’s true, what’s right, what’s noble, what’s lovely. I need “God’s true words” as Mac’s preschool teacher taught, both of us really, last year. Two weeks ago, God tenderly reminded me that He is the One in control when my friend Dawn came up to me and gave me this bracelet at church. It’s so, so beautiful. Even Mac keeps grabbing it and saying, “I really love that blue diamond Mommy.”
Now if you know Dawn you know she is always up to something. She told me that the idea for the bracelet had been brewing for awhile and finally came together when I started blogging about birds here and here and all the ways God is teaching me through these strange encounters. This bracelet has three charms. One is a pendant with 5p- (Nathan’s chromosome deletion), one is a blue bead which is the color for the international 5p- Society, and the last one is a crane. She said she knew the crane needed to complete the bracelet.
So instantly I start tearing up because it’s just so incredibly thoughtful that she spent her precious time to make me this bracelet. And as she’s telling me the story of how it all came together I knew that God was trying to tell me that I’m not the crane.
As I mentioned in this post, cranes symbolize happiness, maternal love, and goodwill. I really want to be the crane. I want to be the happy, strong, creative, persistent one. I want to have the power to keep it all together and be the source of happiness, protection and everything good for my kids. I also want to be in charge of planning my goals, crafting what I hope for and aspire to achieve. And maybe I am the crane of my family in an earthly sense, but it’s especially daunting when I think towards the future and everything Nathan will need. I begin to doubt I’ll have the energy, the resources, the desire, and ability to care for him in the way he fully needs.
On that Sunday I got a gentle reminder. I’m not the crane. God is the crane. Why should I be surprised? He’s been the crane since Day One. He’s provided the right doctors, support, finances, information, and friends since Nathan’s come along. He’s the One who protects, provides, cares for me and my family, especially Nathan. I can fully rest in Him. I’ve been wearing this bracelet all week and it’s slowly sinking in that I’m not the crane. He’s the crane.
As for this lightning fast mentality that I have about virtually everything in my life, it is completely propelled by fear. Fear of not having enough, not doing enough, not being enough. If I believe that He’s enough – that He’s the crane and not me – then I can do the same things with a completely different mindset.
On a practical level, Mac started school last week and I have help with Nathan so it’s time to slow down a bit. I need to get back to these things that I came home from vacation so clearly needing to implement in my life – connection to God and friends, a more simplified life, and our health. Though not perfectly, the essentials will fall into place. They’ve already started to.
And apparently my words have started flowing again too!
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” -Psalm 91:4
My book, Beauty in Broken Dreams: A Hopeful Handbook for the Early Years as a Special Needs Parent, is now available on Amazon!
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