ER Confessions

I feel like I need to come clean with y’all and tell you that we were at the ER again with Nathan last night. And by “we” I mean my husband. It’s the curse of working in healthcare. We both agreed I am up next time because I’m missing out on some bonding with my baby, who now only wants Daddy when he’s sick.

I didn’t put this news on Facebook or call any of our family members because I feel like the boy who cries wolf. I mean, really we’re there all. the. time. It’s hard to know when to take this kid seriously because he usually comes through things just fine. The thing that’s so scary about Nathan is that he starts gasping for air when he gets even a little hint of congestion. It’s sounds awful and is hard for us to go to sleep with him like that. Plus, this week he had an episode of aspiration which made us question whether or not he developed a bout of pneumonia. He doesn’t have pneumonia. He doesn’t have a UTI. He has a virus and is a sick little boy.

Now this picture from Friday makes a whole lot more sense to me.


When I was putting Mac to bed tonight he chose to wear a sMiles4Sammy t-shirt for his pajamas because “Nafe is sick.”

“That’s thoughtful buddy. What made you think of that?”

“Well it’s one of the t-shirts from people at the hospital who help Nafe.”

Sweet boy. He is processing everything in his own little five-year-old way. When we talked at bedtime he told me that Nathan is more fragile than us, but when we are in heaven Nathan won’t be fragile anymore. He’ll be strong like us.

I don’t feel strong though. I feel weak in a different way from Nathan. Weak in not knowing how to help him.  Weak in having the patience in dealing my husband and kids. Weak in taking care of day-to-day household things. Weak in interacting with other people because, sometimes I don’t have anything nice to say. I am the Debbie Downer in social situations. It’s hard to be honest and not send people running the other way when you constantly don’t have good news to share.

I guess the good news is that we aren’t freaking out. We have peace. In fact, my husband told me last night, “Well, let me at least sit down and have dinner. Then I’m going to take a shower before I head down to the hospital.” That is not how we would have handled an ER visit a couple of years ago. We would have rushed out the door in a flurry.

So we’re growing. We’re realizing we need to practice gratitude just like we learned about in church this morning. By the way, did you know that we have two boxes in our house? One, we put dirty dishes in and they get clean. The other we put dirty clothes in and they also get clean. It’s amazing! I never fully saw God’s gifts of a dishwasher and washing machine until this morning. Truly, this is good news and we do have much to be thankful for.

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thess 5:18

My book, Beauty in Broken Dreams: A Hopeful Handbook for the Early Years as a Special Needs Parent, is now available on Amazon!

Also be sure to check out my list of Favorite Books on Disability!


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