Enjoying the Present

I went to visit my OB this week. It was like taking a trip back in time. Only this time my baby was cuddled in a stroller next to me instead of snuggled up in my womb.

While I was sitting in the waiting room I couldn’t help but notice a pregnant woman reading her magazine. That was me last year. Me before I knew anything of N and all the unique and challenging ways he would make himself known to us upon his arrival into the world.

In some ways I wish I could go back to those days of innocence when I didn’t think I would have any other baby than a healthy baby. Yet I realized I can’t imagine life without N now that he’s here and at home with us. I’ve fallen more in love with him with each passing week. His personality is unfolding.

He’s affectionate and loves to be held, kissed, and cuddled. He’s strong physically – small but mighty. At only 15 pounds when he’s squirming he could easily work his way out of my arms if I weren’t paying attention. He’s loud. He likes to hear the sound of his voice in the mornings and when we are present he desperately wants to communicate with us. He’s determined. Sometimes I’m still amazed by the fact that he can roll and work his way around the crib. I think the undiagnosed pain that he experienced for so long motivated him to roll.

I am enjoying him lots these days. We have his pain pretty well masked with Neurontin and he’s sleeping like a champ at night. Occasionally I get a smile from him though it’s hard to capture one with the camera.


On Valentine’s Day we have an appointment with a neurosurgeon. We discovered through a series of events that only God could orchestrate, he does have some sort of fatty tumor on his spine. This is likely causing bowel/bladder pain, lower leg and back pain, and can even cause foot deformities. Next step is to see if it is operable.

I’m hesitant to get too excited this is the answer to his problems because we’ve already been down so many dead end paths trying to figure out what’s making him so incredibly uncomfortable. In the meantime I’m trying not to put all my hope in the Neurosurgery basket or live in my past pregnancy but instead just enjoy where we’re at now. Cause he’s so darn cute and cuddly.

My book, Beauty in Broken Dreams: A Hopeful Handbook for the Early Years as a Special Needs Parent, is now available on Amazon!

Also be sure to check out my list of Favorite Books on Disability!

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